Swedish psychiatrist this is how we raise cocky bastards

Swedish psychiatrist and author of books David Eberhard says that liberal education is harmful to both children and parents. Jeannette Otto talks to him in Stockholm.

“Zeit”: When was the last time you were with your children in a restaurant?

David Eberhard: Quite recently. Why you're asking?

“Zeit”: Because the owners of the establishments in Stockholm are fed up with children who cannot behave themselves. One cafe even banned entry for families. And this is in child-loving Sweden.

Eberhard: I understand perfectly what this is about. There are always children who scream, spill drinks, rush around the room or open the front door wide at minus five degrees. Parents are sitting nearby, and do not even think to interfere.

“Zeit”: Why, then, the children are not reasoned with by others?

Eberhard: Nobody dares to do that. Parents are very uncomfortable when their children are criticized. Previously, our society was a society of adults. There were common values ​​regarding parenting issues. If a child behaved indecently, they would come up to him and say: stop! There is no such consistency anymore. We, adults, are now responsible not for each other, but only for our children.

Zeit: Your new book, Children in Power, is coming out in German in a few weeks. In it, you argue that liberal education as a method has failed. Why?

Eberhard: Because parents no longer behave like responsible adults. They believe they should be the best friends of their children. They put themselves on the same level with children, not daring to contradict them and set boundaries. They no longer make any decisions, but want to be as cool, advanced rebels as their children. Now our society consists of only one teenager.

Zeit: Do you really think that German parents also allow their children to dictate where to go on vacation, what to eat and what to watch on TV?

Eberhard: Many people recognize themselves in this portrait. Parents are reluctant to take out their parenting problems. They say: we are all right, this is not about us! However, their consciences are constantly gnawing, because they believe that many things are being done wrong. They come tired in the evening from work, and prepare what the child likes, because they do not want to enter into discussions with him. They allow him to sit at the TV for longer than the agreed time in order to be alone. They spend their holidays where the children are busy, although they would never have been there without the children. I am not saying that this is wrong. I only say that the life of a parent should not revolve only around the child. There is no scientific evidence that this somehow positively affects the future of children, that they become more successful or carefree in adulthood.

Book title: “Children in Power. The monstrous fruits of liberal education "

David Eberhard received me for an interview in his apartment in the center of Stockholm. A budgie chirps, children are still in school and kindergarten. David pulls out four books he wrote from a bookcase. His favorite topics are parenting, society's desire for security, and adults' obsession with safety. The Swedish edition of his new book shows his son wearing a reflective vest and hard hat, strapped into a child car seat. He came straight from his clinic to talk. He is the lead psychiatrist on a team of 150 employees, and his third wife is a nurse.

“Zeit”: You yourself have six children. Who makes the rules in the family?

Eberhard: I.

“Zeit”: And there are no democratic family structures?

Eberhard: I don't think that the family should be a democratic institution at all. The relationship between adults and children is always asymmetrical. It is a master-disciple relationship. One teaches, the other listens. Parents can better assess circumstances because they have more experience, they know more. They should set the rules.

“Zeit”: How do you manage to raise your own children in the midst of a liberal Swedish society in a strict and authoritarian manner?

Eberhard: I cannot be too different from other parents, otherwise my children will be in trouble. And militant authoritarianism would not have allowed me.

“Zeit”: So you have to control yourself?

Eberhard: Oh well, okay (laughs). And some of my readers think that I want a return to military education, back to corporal punishment. I've never written anything like this. I have never hit children.

“Zeit”: There is a lot of discussion in Germany now about the Pope's statement about the acceptability of light spanking as a method of education. In your book, you write that there is no evidence that children brought up in severity, including those who were beaten, are worse off afterwards. How close are you to the Pope's opinion?

Eberhard: I totally disagree with him on this issue. My point is that it is important for children that they are brought up in such a way as to comply with the values ​​and norms of the society in which they live. For children who grew up in a society where such blows are accepted as the norm, they are not so traumatized.But parents in the West are now afraid of everything, believing that even the slightest criticism can hurt a child. They no longer consider it necessary to tell their daughter in puberty: do not eat so much chocolate, otherwise you will get fat, because they are afraid that the girl will immediately go to the other extreme, to the point of anorexia. At the same time, we may well demand something from the children, they will withstand it. Do not treat them like porcelain dolls.

Eberhard goes into a detailed book on parenting fears. While there are hardly any serious dangers for young families today, more and more fears are emerging. Eberhard shows many examples of the contradictions of modern parents. He provokes them, wants to induce them to reflect on their behavior. He draws his conclusions from many international studies. For example, to strengthen the resilience of children, says Eberhard, you need to teach them to cope with adversity from an early age.

“Zeit”: Where does the fear of harming a child with education and strictness come from?

Eberhard: I have the impression that the parents owe this to the specialists.

“Zeit”:… that is, people like you?

Eberhard: I tell parents that they should not read too many different counselors.

“Zeit”: Just your book, that's enough.

Eberhard: I can be blamed for this. But, for example, John Bowlby, whose theory of attachment is considered undeniable, is often interpreted too freely by specialists. This leads to parents thinking that they will harm their children if they are sent to nursery too early, where they will spend more time with the teacher than with the mother. But I have never seen a single child who would be more attached to the teacher than to the mother.

“Zeit”: Dane Jesper Juul gathers whole halls in Germany for his reports on authenticity and partner treatment of a child.

Eberhard: Oh, if I wanted to, it would soon be with me too!

“Zeit”: How do you explain Juul's success?

Eberhard: He appeared at the right moment and headed straight into this educational vacuum. Nobody wants an authoritarian upbringing any more, as well as an analogue of the “invisible hand of the market,” which itself brings up a child. No one wants to listen to their own parents, and relying only on intuition seems too frivolous. Jesper Juul says very simple things. Some are reasonable, others are not. His first book, The Competent Child, went without a single recommendation, parents didn't care. And suddenly everyone started talking about the fact that a child should not only be punished, but also praised.

“Zeit”: Can't you praise?

Eberhard: Yes, and not only Juul says that. If my daughter wants to show me her drawing, then the maximum I can do is say: Oh, drawing! How interesting! Did you become happy by painting a picture? But this is wrong communication, I am not like that, why should I pretend? Parents must choose each word carefully before pronouncing it to their child. If only not to shame him, not to deprive him of self-confidence or subject him to the oppression of competition. The problem with experts is their moralizing. They tell parents what to do and what not. Parents, in search of guidelines, absorb dogmas and ideologies, which are not so easy to get rid of later.

Eberhard is a harsh judge of parenting specialists, although he does not say that parents cannot learn anything from them. Expert knowledge is too often based on one's own beliefs and common sense, that is, things that parents can comprehend for themselves. The important thing is that no one can be an expert in their own home. Only parents without children are first-class specialists.

“Zeit”: German parents dream of Bullerby or Lönneberg.

Eberhard: And the Swedes are still madly in love with the story of Astrid Lindgren and all these idyllic paintings. But think about how the children grew up in these books.They wander back and forth all day, unattended, without helmets or sun hats. Michel tied his little sister Ida at the top of the flagpole. And Lotta from Krakhmakher Street rode with her brothers-sisters on the roof of the Volkswagen "beetle". Now all this has become completely unthinkable. Today, parents and the juvenile department (Jugendamt) are mutually at the sight of each other. In my son's kindergarten, all children must wear helmets when sledding!

“Zeit”: What's wrong with wanting to protect children?

Eberhard: Overprotective. If we want to get this competent child, then he must be allowed to go to school alone. At the age of six, a child is already capable of this, even in a city with a lot of traffic. Parents do not allow this, but at the same time they invite the child to make decisions or discuss each issue on an equal basis with adults. Many adults act in a contradictory way, having absolutely no idea what spurs the child, promotes in development, and what is an unnecessary burden.

“Zeit”: What are the consequences?

Eberhard: We are not preparing children for adult life, fooling them that something bad will never happen to them, that we always exist for them, that they are the center of the earth. In my psychiatric clinic, I meet with young people who came to me because, for example, a friend broke up with them because of the death of a dog. They find it difficult to cope with ordinary experiences.

“Something is wrong” - such is Eberhard's frequent expert opinion in practical work. The parents were looking for medical answers to their helplessness. And the diagnosis - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, they perceived with relief, because they received an explanation for the child's behavior, and could no longer blame themselves. Parents are amazed that their children are tired, irritated, hyperactive, but the idea does not occur to them to send the child to bed early or forbid the teenager to hang out in front of the computer for midnight. Eberhard is not stingy with criticism.

Zeit: Germany has long focused on Sweden for childcare and equality. Now tell me: finally stop following us!

Eberhard: Because we went too far. We no longer control liberalization, and the topic of equality has become one of the social dogmas. We all send children to a nursery at the age of one year. Further, mothers and fathers work equally as much as possible, as much as possible, as much as possible in equal positions. Nobody should be at the tail of anyone. Work is the only way to become human. We absorb it from young nails. Parenting in itself is no longer valuable. Parents must immediately decide who stays at home with the child and for how long, and who continues to work.

The phone rings, it's his wife. He has to hang up the washed laundry. The younger son's bedding should be dry before evening. He interrupts interviews to settle household chores.

“Zeit”: What if the woman decides to stay at home longer?

Eberhard: No woman can afford that anymore. The accusation will be excessive. She will turn into a reactionary, old-fashioned renegade of her gender.

“Zeit”: “Hyung“, A neuter personal pronoun, has become official in the Swedish vocabulary. Thus, one should avoid talking about the child “he” or “she”.

Eberhard: This is child abuse, fortunately only practiced in a few institutions so far. This egalitarianism ignores all scientific knowledge about the biological development of children. We have a colossal problem with teenage boys (teenagers). They can no longer cope with school affairs on their own because they are no longer treated like boys.

“Zeit”: Is that why Swedish schools have fallen so much compared to the international level?

Eberhard: Not only for this reason. The problem is also in our teachers. Their authority is negligible.Children do not consider it necessary to obey them, since they do not obey their own parents either. As a result, the results are falling. According to researchPisa Swedish schoolchildren lead in absenteeism, teacher abuse and vandalism. And don't forget: in terms of self-confidence!

“Zeit”: Typical for children who are constantly in the center of care and attention.

Eberhard: Yes, and these “navels of the earth” children become adults and come, for example, to the Swedish TV show “Idol”. They are looking for singing talents who will become superstars tomorrow. And so they come there and cannot sing at all. But they don't even know it. The jury, recovering from amazement, asks: have you ever been told that you cannot sing?

“Zeit”: Were his parents too cowardly?

Eberhard: They didn't want to hurt the poor child. So impudent bastards grow up, going into the world with a completely distorted picture of their own abilities. Focusing only on the child is not the best parenting method in the world. If that were the case, our children would love us more than anyone else in the world. But this is not the case. As soon as we grow old and decrepit, they hand us over to a nursing home. In other countries, families live together, because parents are still valued in old age.

Original: “So ziehen wir Rotzlöffel heran“
Translation: svonb.

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- You yourself have six children. Who makes the rules in the family?
- I.

- And there are no democratic family structures?

- I do not think that the family should be a democratic institution at all. The relationship between adults and children is always asymmetrical. It is a master-disciple relationship. One teaches, the other listens. Parents can better assess circumstances because they have more experience, they know more. They should set the rules.

- How do you manage to raise your own children in the midst of a liberal Swedish society in a strict and authoritarian manner?

- I cannot be too different from other parents, otherwise my children will be in trouble. And militant authoritarianism would not have allowed me.

- So you have to control yourself?

- Oh well, okay (laughs). And some of my readers think that I want a return to military education, back to corporal punishment. I've never written anything like this. I have never hit children.

- In Germany, there is now a lot of discussion about the statement of the Pope about the acceptability of light spanking as a method of education. In your book, you write that there is no evidence that children brought up in severity, including those who were beaten, are worse off afterwards. How close are you to the Pope's opinion?

- On this issue I completely disagree with him. My point is that it is important for children that they be brought up in such a way as to comply with the values ​​and norms of the society in which they live. For children who grew up in a society where such blows are accepted as the norm, they are not so traumatized. But parents in the West are now afraid of everything, believing that even the slightest criticism can hurt a child. They no longer consider it necessary to tell their daughter in puberty: do not eat so much chocolate, otherwise you will get fat, because they are afraid that the girl will immediately go to the other extreme, to the point of anorexia. At the same time, we may well demand something from the children, they will withstand it. Do not treat them like porcelain dolls.

- Where does the fear of harming the child with education and severity come from?

- I have the impression that parents owe this to specialists.

“… That is, people like you?

- I tell parents that they should not read too many different counselors.

- Just your book, that's enough.

- I can be blamed for this. But, for example, John Bowlby, whose theory of attachment is considered undeniable, is often interpreted too freely by specialists.This leads to parents thinking that they will harm their children if they are sent to nursery too early, where they will spend more time with the teacher than with the mother. But I have never seen a single child who would be more attached to the teacher than to the mother.

- Dane Jesper Juul gathers whole halls in Germany for his reports on authenticity and partner treatment of a child.

- Oh, if I wanted to, it would soon be the same with me!

- How do you explain Juul's success?

- He appeared at the right moment and headed straight into this educational vacuum. Nobody wants an authoritarian upbringing any more, as well as an analogue of the “invisible hand of the market,” which itself brings up a child. No one wants to listen to their own parents, and relying only on intuition seems too frivolous. Jesper Juul says very simple things. Some are reasonable, others are not. His first book, The Competent Child, went without a single recommendation, parents didn't care. And suddenly everyone started talking about the fact that a child should not only be punished, but also praised.

- Can't you praise?

“Yes, and not only Juul says that. If my daughter wants to show me her drawing, then the maximum I can do is say: Oh, drawing! How interesting! Did you become happy by painting a picture? But this is wrong communication, I am not like that, why should I pretend? Parents must choose each word carefully before pronouncing it to their child. If only not to shame him, not to deprive him of self-confidence or subject him to the oppression of competition. The problem with experts is their moralizing. They tell parents what to do and what not. Parents, in search of guidelines, absorb dogmas and ideologies, which are not so easy to get rid of later.

- German parents dream of Bullerby or Lönneberg.

- And the Swedes are still madly in love with the story of Astrid Lindgren and all these idyllic paintings. But think about how the children grew up in these books. They wander back and forth all day, unattended, without helmets or sun hats. Michel tied his little sister Ida at the top of the flagpole. And Lotta from Krakhmakher Street rode with her brothers-sisters on the roof of a Volkswagen "beetle". Now all this has become completely unthinkable. Today, parents and the juvenile department (Jugendamt) are mutually at the sight of each other. In my son's kindergarten, all children must wear helmets when sledding!

- What's wrong with wanting to protect children?

- Overprotective. If we want to get this competent child, then he must be allowed to go to school alone. At the age of six, a child is already capable of this, even in a city with a lot of traffic. Parents do not allow this, but at the same time they invite the child to make decisions or discuss each issue on an equal basis with adults. Many adults act in a contradictory manner, having absolutely no idea what spurs the child, promotes in development, and what is an unnecessary burden.

- What are the consequences?

- We are badly preparing children for adult life, fooling them that something bad will never happen to them, that we always exist for them, that they are the center of the earth. In my psychiatric clinic, I meet with young people who came to me because, for example, a friend broke up with them because of the death of a dog. They find it difficult to cope with ordinary experiences.

- Germany has long been guided by Sweden in childcare and equality. Now tell me: finally stop following us!

- Because we went too far. We no longer control liberalization, and the topic of equality has become one of the social dogmas. We all send children to a nursery at the age of one. Further, mothers and fathers work equally as much as possible, as much as possible, as much as possible in equal positions. Nobody should be at the tail of anyone.Work is the only way to become human. We absorb it from young nails. Parenting in itself is no longer valuable. Parents must immediately decide who stays at home with the child and for how long, and who continues to work.

The phone rings, it's his wife. He has to hang up the washed laundry. The younger son's bedding should be dry before evening. He interrupts interviews to sort out household chores.

- What if the woman decides to stay at home longer?

“Not a single woman can afford this. The accusation will be excessive. She will turn into a reactionary, old-fashioned renegade of her gender.

“Hen,” a neuter personal pronoun, has become official in the Swedish vocabulary. Thus, one should avoid talking about the child "he" or "she".

- This is cruel treatment of children, fortunately, so far practiced in only a few children's institutions. This egalitarianism ignores all scientific knowledge about the biological development of children. We have a colossal problem with teenage boys (teenagers). They can no longer cope with school affairs on their own because they are no longer treated like boys.

- Is that why Swedish schools have fallen so much compared to the international level?

- Not only for this reason. The problem is also in our teachers. Their authority is negligible. Children do not consider it necessary to obey them, since they do not obey their own parents either. As a result, the results are falling. According to the Pisa study, Swedish schoolchildren lead the way in absenteeism, teacher abuse and vandalism. And don't forget: in terms of self-confidence!

- Typical for children who are constantly in the center of care and attention.

- Yes, and these children, “navels of the earth,” then become adults, and come, for example, to the Swedish television show “Idol”. They are looking for singing talents who will become superstars tomorrow. And so they come there and cannot sing at all. But they don't even know it. The jury, recovering from amazement, asks: have you ever been told that you cannot sing?

"Were his parents too cowardly?"

“They didn't want to hurt the poor child. This is how impudent bastards grow up, going into the world with a completely distorted picture of their own abilities. Focusing only on the child is not the best parenting method in the world. If that were the case, our children would love us more than anyone else in the world. But this is not the case. As soon as we grow old and decrepit, they hand us over to a nursing home. In other countries, families live together, because parents are still valued in old age.

Translation: Sergey Razhev

8 Apr31591

Translated from German - Svonb *: Swedish psychiatrist, author of books,David Eberhard says liberal parenting hurts both children and parents. Correspondent of the German newspaper "Zeit" Jeannette Otto talks to him in Stockholm.

"Zeit": When was the last time you were with your children in a restaurant?

David Eberhard: Recently. Why you're asking?

"Zeit": Because the owners of establishments in Stockholm are fed up with children who do not know how to behave. One cafe even banned entry for families. And this is in child-loving Sweden.

Eberhard: I perfectly understand what this is about. There are always children who scream, spill drinks, rush around the room or open the front door wide at minus five degrees. Parents are sitting nearby, and do not even think to interfere.

"Zeit": Why, then, the children are not reasoned with by others?

Eberhard: Nobody dares to do this. Parents are very uncomfortable when their children are criticized. Previously, our society was a society of adults. There were common values ​​regarding parenting issues. If a child behaved indecently, they would come up to him and say: stop! There is no such consistency anymore. We adults are now responsible not for each other, but only for our children.

Zeit: Your new book, Children in Power, is coming out in German in a few weeks.In it, you argue that liberal education as a method has failed. Why?

Eberhard: Because parents no longer act like responsible adults. They believe they should be the best friends of their children. They put themselves on the same level with children, not daring to contradict them and set boundaries. They no longer make any decisions, but want to be as cool, advanced rebels as their children. Now our society is made up of only teenagers.

Zeit: Do you really think that German parents also allow their children to dictate where to go on vacation, what to eat and what to watch on TV?

Eberhard: Many will recognize themselves in this portrait. Parents are reluctant to take out their parenting problems. They say: we are all right, this is not about us! However, their consciences are constantly gnawing, because they believe that many things are being done wrong. They come tired in the evening from work, and prepare what the child likes, because they do not want to enter into discussions with him.

They allow him to sit at the TV for longer than the agreed time in order to be alone. They spend their holidays where the children are busy, although they would never have been there without the children. I am not saying that this is wrong. I am only saying that the life of a parent should not revolve only around the child. There is no scientific evidence that this somehow positively affects the future of children, that they become more successful or carefree in adulthood.

The title of the book: “Children in Power. The monstrous fruits of liberal education "

David Eberhard received me for an interview in his apartment in the center of Stockholm. A budgie chirps, children are still in school and kindergarten. David pulls out four books he wrote from a bookcase.

His favorite topics are parenting, society's desire for security, and adults' obsession with safety. The Swedish edition of his new book shows his son wearing a reflective vest and hard hat, strapped into a child car seat. He came straight from his clinic to talk. He is the lead psychiatrist on a team of 150 employees, and his third wife is a nurse.

"Zeit": You yourself have six children. Who makes the rules in the family?

Eberhard: I.

"Zeit": And there are no democratic family structures?

Eberhard: I don’t think that the family should be a democratic institution at all. The relationship between adults and children is always asymmetrical. It is a master-disciple relationship. One teaches, the other listens. Parents can better assess circumstances because they have more experience, they know more. They should set the rules.

"Zeit": How do you manage to raise your own children in the midst of liberal Swedish society in a strict and authoritarian manner?

Eberhard: I cannot be too different from other parents, otherwise my children will get in trouble. And militant authoritarianism would not have allowed me.

"Zeit": So you have to control yourself?

Eberhard: Oh well, okay (laughs). And some of my readers think that I want a return to military education, back to corporal punishment. I've never written anything like this. I have never hit children.

Zeit: There is a lot of discussion in Germany about the Pope's statement about the acceptability of light spanking as a method of education. In your book, you write that there is no evidence that children brought up in severity, including those who have been beaten, are worse off afterwards. How close are you to the Pope's opinion?

Eberhard: On this issue I completely disagree with him. My point is that it is important for children that they are brought up in such a way as to comply with the values ​​and norms of the society in which they live. For children who grew up in a society where such blows are accepted as the norm, they are not so traumatized.

But parents in the West are now afraid of everything, believing that even the slightest criticism can traumatize the child.They no longer consider it necessary to tell their daughter in puberty: do not eat so much chocolate, otherwise you will get fat, because they are afraid that the girl will immediately go to the other extreme, to the point of anorexia. At the same time, we may well demand something from the children, they will withstand it. Do not treat them like porcelain dolls.

Eberhard goes into a detailed book on parenting fears. While there are hardly any serious dangers for young families today, more and more fears are emerging. Eberhard shows many examples of the contradictions of modern parents. He provokes them, wants to induce them to reflect on their behavior. He draws his conclusions from many international studies. For example, to strengthen the resilience of children, Eberhard says, you need to teach them to cope with adversity from an early age.

"Zeit": Where does the fear of harming a child with education and severity come from?

Eberhard: I have the impression that parents owe this to specialists.

"Zeit": ... that is, people like you?

Eberhard: I tell parents that they shouldn't read too many different counselors.

"Zeit": Just your book, that's enough.

Eberhard: I can be blamed for this. But, for example, John Bowlby, whose theory of attachment is considered undeniable, is often interpreted too freely by specialists. This leads to parents thinking that they will harm their children if they are sent to nursery too early, where they will spend more time with the teacher than with the mother. But I have never seen a single child who would be more attached to the teacher than to the mother.

"Zeit": The Danish Jesper Juul gathers whole halls in Germany for his reports on authenticity and partner treatment of a child.

Eberhard: Oh, if I wanted, it would soon be with me too!

Zeit: How do you explain Juul's success?

Eberhard: He appeared at the right moment and headed straight into this educational vacuum. Nobody wants an authoritarian upbringing any more, as well as an analogue of the “invisible hand of the market,” which itself brings up a child. No one wants to listen to their own parents, and relying only on intuition seems too frivolous.

Jesper Juul says very simple things. Some are reasonable, others are not. His first book, The Competent Child, went without a single recommendation, parents didn't care. And suddenly everyone started talking about the fact that a child should not only be punished, but also praised.

"Zeit": Can't you praise?

Eberhard: Yes, and not only Juul says that. If my daughter wants to show me her drawing, then the maximum I can do is say: Oh, drawing! How interesting! Did you become happy by painting a picture? But this is wrong communication, I am not like that, why should I pretend?

Parents must choose each word carefully before pronouncing it to their child. If only not to shame him, not to deprive him of self-confidence or subject him to the oppression of competition. The problem with experts is their moralizing. They tell parents what to do and what not. Parents, in search of guidelines, absorb dogmas and ideologies, which are not so easy to get rid of later.

Eberhard judges the parenting specialists harshly, although he does not say that the parents cannot learn anything from them. Expert knowledge is too often based on one's own beliefs and common sense, that is, things that parents can comprehend for themselves. The important thing is that no one can be an expert in their own home. Only parents without children are first-class specialists.

Zeit: German parents dream of Bullerby or Lönneberg.

Eberhard: And the Swedes are still madly in love with the story of Astrid Lindgren and all these idyllic paintings. But think about how the children grew up in these books. They wander back and forth all day, unattended, without helmets or sun hats.Michel tied his little sister Goes on top of the flagpole. And Lotta from Krakhmakher Street rode with her brothers-sisters on the roof of a Volkswagen "beetle".

Now all this has become completely unthinkable. Today, parents and the juvenile department (Jugendamt) are mutually at the sight of each other. In my son's kindergarten, all children must wear helmets when sledding!

Zeit: What's wrong with wanting to protect children?

Eberhard: Overprotective. If we want to get this competent child, then he must be allowed to go to school alone. At the age of six, a child is already capable of this, even in a city with a lot of traffic. Parents do not allow this, but at the same time they invite the child to make decisions or discuss each issue on an equal basis with adults. Many adults act in a contradictory manner, having absolutely no idea what spurs the child, promotes in development, and what is an unnecessary burden.

"Zeit": What are the consequences?

Eberhard: We are badly preparing children for adulthood, fooling them that something bad will never happen to them, that we always exist for them, that they are the navel of the earth. In my psychiatric clinic, I meet with young people who came to me because, for example, a friend broke up with them because of the death of a dog. They find it difficult to cope with ordinary experiences.

"Something is wrong" - such is Eberhard's frequent expert opinion in practical work. The parents were looking for medical answers to their helplessness. And the diagnosis - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, they perceived with relief, because they received an explanation for the child's behavior, and could no longer blame themselves. Parents are amazed that their children are tired, irritated, hyperactive, but the idea does not occur to them to send the child to bed early or forbid the teenager to hang out in front of the computer for midnight. Eberhard is not stingy with criticism.

Zeit: Germany has long focused on Sweden for childcare and equality. Now tell me: finally stop following us!

Eberhard: Because we went too far. We no longer control liberalization, and the topic of equality has become one of the social dogmas. We all send children to a nursery at the age of one year. Further, mothers and fathers work equally as much as possible, as much as possible, as much as possible in equal positions. Nobody should be at the tail of anyone. Work is the only way to become human. We absorb it from young nails. Parenting in itself is no longer valuable. Parents must immediately decide who stays at home with the child and for how long, and who continues to work.

Continuing the conversation

The phone rings, it's his wife. He has to hang up the washed laundry. The younger son's bedding should be dry before evening. He interrupts interviews to sort out household chores.

"Zeit": What if the woman decides to stay at home longer?

Eberhard: Not a single woman can afford this. The accusation will be excessive. She will turn into a reactionary, old-fashioned renegade of her gender.

Zeit: Hen, a neuter personal pronoun, has become official in the Swedish vocabulary. Thus, one should avoid talking about the child "he" or "she".

Eberhard: This is child abuse, fortunately, so far practiced in only a few institutions. This egalitarianism ignores all scientific knowledge about the biological development of children. We have a colossal problem with teenage boys (teenagers). They can no longer cope with school affairs on their own because they are no longer treated like boys.

Zeit: Is that why the level of Swedish schools has dropped so much compared to international ones?

Eberhard: Not only for this reason. The problem is also in our teachers. Their authority is negligible. Children do not consider it necessary to obey them, since they do not obey their own parents either.As a result, the results are falling. According to the Pisa study, Swedish schoolchildren lead the way in absenteeism, teacher abuse and vandalism. And don't forget: in terms of self-confidence!

"Zeit": Typical for children who are constantly in the center of care and attention.

Eberhard: Yes, and these children, “navels of the earth,” then become adults, and come, for example, to the Swedish television show “Idol”. They are looking for singing talents who will become superstars tomorrow. And so they come there and cannot sing at all. But they don't even know it. The jury, recovering from amazement, asks: have you ever been told that you cannot sing?

Zeit: Were his parents too cowardly?

Eberhard: They didn't want to hurt the poor child. This is how impudent bastards grow up, going into the world with a completely distorted picture of their own abilities. Focusing only on the child is not the best parenting method in the world. If that were the case, our children would love us more than anyone else in the world. But this is not the case. As soon as we grow old and decrepit, they hand us over to a nursing home. In other countries, families live together, because parents are still valued in old age.

Original

* Svonb is an amateur translator and author of the svonb blog.

In a conversation with Jeannette Otto, Swedish psychiatrist and book author David Eberhard talks about how liberal education harms both children and parents.

David Eberhard received me for an interview in his apartment in the center of Stockholm. A budgie chirps, children are still in school and kindergarten. David pulls out four books he wrote from a bookcase. His favorite topics are parenting, society's desire for security, and adults' obsession with safety. The Swedish edition of his new book shows his son wearing a reflective vest and hard hat, strapped into a child car seat. He came straight from his clinic to talk. He is the lead psychiatrist on a team of 150 employees, and his third wife is a nurse.

Eberhard goes into a detailed book on parenting fears. While there are hardly any serious dangers for young families today, more and more fears are emerging. Eberhard shows many examples of the contradictions of modern parents. He provokes them, wants to induce them to reflect on their behavior. He draws his conclusions from many international studies. For example, to strengthen the resilience of children, Eberhard says, you need to teach them to cope with adversity from an early age.

The psychiatrist harshly judges parenting specialists, although he does not say that parents cannot learn anything from them. Expert knowledge is too often based on one's own beliefs and common sense, that is, things that parents can comprehend for themselves. The important thing is that no one can be an expert in their own home. Only parents without children are first-class specialists.

"Something is wrong" - such is Eberhard's frequent expert opinion in practical work. The parents were looking for medical answers to their helplessness. And the diagnosis - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, they perceived with relief, because they received an explanation for the child's behavior, and could no longer blame themselves. Parents are amazed that their children are tired, irritated, hyperactive, but the idea does not occur to them to send the child to bed early or forbid the teenager to hang out in front of the computer for midnight. Eberhard is not stingy with criticism.

- When was the last time you were with your children in a restaurant?- Recently. Why you're asking?

- Because the owners of establishments in Stockholm are fed up with children who do not know how to behave. One cafe even banned entry for families. And this is in child-loving Sweden.- I perfectly understand what is at stake. There are always children who scream, spill drinks, rush around the room or open the front door wide at minus five degrees.Parents are sitting nearby, and do not even think to interfere.

- Why, then, children do not reason with others?- Nobody dares to do this. Parents are very uncomfortable when their children are criticized. Previously, our society was a society of adults. There were common values ​​regarding parenting issues. If a child behaved indecently, they would come up to him and say: stop! There is no such consistency anymore. We, adults, are now responsible not for each other, but only for our children.

- Your new book, Children in Power, is coming out in German in a few weeks. In it, you argue that liberal education as a method has failed. Why?- Because parents no longer behave like responsible adults. They believe they should be the best friends of their children. They put themselves on the same level with children, not daring to contradict them and set boundaries. They no longer make any decisions, but want to be as cool, advanced rebels as their children. Now our society consists of only one teenager.

- Do you really think that German parents also allow their children to dictate to themselves where to go on vacation, what to eat and what to watch on TV?- Many people recognize themselves in this portrait. Parents are reluctant to take out their parenting problems. They say: we are all right, this is not about us! Nevertheless, their consciences are constantly gnawing, because they believe that many things are being done wrong. They come tired in the evening from work, and prepare what the child likes, because they do not want to enter into discussions with him. They allow him to sit at the TV for longer than the agreed time in order to be alone. They spend their holidays where the children are busy, although they would never have been there without the children. I am not saying that this is wrong. I only say that the life of a parent should not revolve only around the child. There is no scientific evidence that this somehow positively affects the future of children, that they become more successful or carefree in adulthood.

The title of the book: "Children in Power. The Monstrous Fruits of Liberal Education"- You yourself have six children. Who makes the rules in the family?- I.

- And there are no democratic family structures?- I do not think that the family should be a democratic institution at all. The relationship between adults and children is always asymmetrical. It is a master-disciple relationship. One teaches, the other listens. Parents can better assess circumstances because they have more experience, they know more. They should set the rules.

- How do you manage to raise your own children in the midst of a liberal Swedish society in a strict and authoritarian manner?- I cannot be too different from other parents, otherwise my children will be in trouble. And militant authoritarianism would not have allowed me.

- So you have to control yourself?- Oh well, okay (laughs). And some of my readers think that I want a return to military education, back to corporal punishment. I've never written anything like this. I have never hit children.

- In Germany, there is now a lot of discussion about the statement of the Pope about the acceptability of light spanking as a method of education. In your book, you write that there is no evidence that children brought up in severity, including those who were beaten, are worse off afterwards. How close are you to the Pope's opinion?- On this issue I completely disagree with him. My point is that it is important for children that they be brought up in such a way as to correspond to the values ​​and norms of the society in which they live. For children who grew up in a society where such blows are accepted as the norm, they are not so traumatized. But parents in the West are now afraid of everything, believing that even the slightest criticism can traumatize the child.They no longer consider it necessary to tell their daughter in puberty: do not eat so much chocolate, otherwise you will get fat, because they are afraid that the girl will immediately go to the other extreme, to the point of anorexia. At the same time, we may well demand something from the children, they will withstand it. Do not treat them like porcelain dolls.

- Where does the fear of harming the child with education and severity come from?- I have the impression that parents owe this to specialists.

“… That is, people like you?- I tell parents that they should not read too many different counselors.

- Just your book, that's enough.- I can be blamed for this. But, for example, John Bowlby, whose theory of attachment is considered undeniable, is often interpreted too freely by specialists. This leads to parents thinking that they will harm their children if they are sent to nursery too early, where they will spend more time with the teacher than with the mother. But I have never seen a single child who would be more attached to the teacher than to the mother.

- Dane Jesper Juul gathers whole halls in Germany for his reports on authenticity and partner treatment of a child.- Oh, if I wanted to, it would soon be the same with me!

- How do you explain Juul's success?- He appeared at the right moment and headed straight into this educational vacuum. Nobody wants an authoritarian upbringing any more, as well as an analogue of the “invisible hand of the market,” which itself brings up a child. No one wants to listen to their own parents, and relying only on intuition seems too frivolous. Jesper Juul says very simple things. Some are reasonable, others are not. His first book, The Competent Child, went without a single recommendation, parents didn't care. And suddenly everyone started talking about the fact that a child should not only be punished, but also praised.

- Can't you praise?“Yes, and not only Juul says that. If my daughter wants to show me her drawing, then the maximum I can do is say: Oh, drawing! How interesting! Did you become happy by painting a picture? But this is wrong communication, I am not like that, why should I pretend? Parents must choose each word carefully before pronouncing it to their child. If only not to shame him, not to deprive him of self-confidence or subject him to the oppression of competition. The problem with experts is their moralizing. They tell parents what to do and what not. Parents, in search of guidelines, absorb dogmas and ideologies, which are not so easy to get rid of later.

- German parents dream of Bullerby or Lönneberg.- And the Swedes are still madly in love with the story of Astrid Lindgren and all these idyllic paintings. But think about how the children grew up in these books. They wander back and forth all day, unattended, without helmets or sun hats. Michel tied his little sister Ida at the top of the flagpole. And Lotta from Krakhmakher Street rode with her brothers-sisters on the roof of a Volkswagen "beetle". Now all this has become completely unthinkable. Today, parents and the juvenile department (Jugendamt) are mutually at the sight of each other. In my son's kindergarten, all children must wear helmets when sledding!

- What's wrong with wanting to protect children?- Overprotective. If we want to get this competent child, then he must be allowed to go to school alone. At the age of six, a child is already capable of this, even in a city with a lot of traffic. Parents do not allow this, but at the same time they invite the child to make decisions or discuss each issue on an equal basis with adults. Many adults act in a contradictory manner, having absolutely no idea what spurs the child, promotes in development, and what is an unnecessary burden.

- What are the consequences?- We are badly preparing children for adult life, fooling them that something bad will never happen to them, that we always exist for them, that they are the center of the earth. In my psychiatric clinic, I meet with young people who came to me because, for example, a friend broke up with them because of the death of a dog. They find it difficult to cope with ordinary experiences.

- Germany has long been guided by Sweden in childcare and equality. Now tell me: finally stop following us!- Because we went too far. We no longer control liberalization, and the topic of equality has become one of the social dogmas. We all send children to a nursery at the age of one year. Further, mothers and fathers work equally as much as possible, as much as possible, as much as possible in equal positions. Nobody should be at the tail of anyone. Work is the only way to become human. We absorb it from young nails. Parenting in itself is no longer valuable. Parents must immediately decide who stays at home with the child and for how long, and who continues to work.

The phone rings, it's his wife. He has to hang up the washed laundry. The younger son's bedding should be dry before evening. He interrupts interviews to sort out household chores.

- What if the woman decides to stay at home longer?“Not a single woman can afford that. The accusation will be excessive. She will turn into a reactionary, old-fashioned renegade of her gender.

“Hen,” a neuter personal pronoun, has become official in the Swedish vocabulary. Thus, one should avoid talking about the child "he" or "she".- This is cruel treatment of children, fortunately, so far practiced in only a few children's institutions. This egalitarianism ignores all scientific knowledge about the biological development of children. We have a colossal problem with teenage boys (teenagers). They can no longer cope with school affairs on their own because they are no longer treated like boys.

- Is that why Swedish schools have fallen so much compared to the international level?- Not only for this reason. The problem is also in our teachers. Their authority is negligible. Children do not consider it necessary to obey them, since they do not obey their own parents either. As a result, the results are falling. According to the Pisa study, Swedish schoolchildren lead the way in absenteeism, teacher abuse and vandalism. And don't forget: in terms of self-confidence!

- Typical for children who are constantly in the center of care and attention.- Yes, and these children, “navels of the earth,” then become adults, and come, for example, to the Swedish television show “Idol”. They are looking for singing talents who will become superstars tomorrow. And so they come there and cannot sing at all. But they don't even know it. The jury, recovering from amazement, asks: have you ever been told that you cannot sing?

"Were his parents too cowardly?"“They didn't want to hurt the poor child. This is how impudent bastards grow up, going into the world with a completely distorted picture of their own abilities. Focusing only on the child is not the best parenting method in the world. If that were the case, our children would love us more than anyone else in the world. But this is not the case. As soon as we grow old and decrepit, they hand us over to a nursing home. In other countries, families live together, because parents are still valued in old age.

Translation: Sergey Razhev

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